This is March again, and this is the annual birthday again. I am not a big fan of birthday, most of it owing to the affair of introverted persona x people pleaser I forever have. You get flowers, however, so that's okay.
Turned 23 few nights ago, and the usual overwhelming thing inside my head happens. This is my first birthday off the school-life, oh what a true insecurity boosting experience it is. Because I am naturally a worrier, I remember spending the last year of uni wondering what would I do afterwards. Now, I do regret worrying too much that I, in certain point, might be unnecessarily unhappy, but grateful too because nevertheless that much amount of overthinking indeed take me where I am meant to be now.
I want to say I'm lucky, but I'm simply blessed. Looking back, I realised everything that happened only made possible because of one careful plan written days before my uni-life insecurity hit me by the one up above meticulously. All we have to do is to trust Him, but we human worry all the time because I guess that's the thing that we do. I unfortunately haven't quite mastered the art of not worrying about all the pressure, confusion, and where to head in life so this post won't be about that, but here's the tip from a serial worrier: being grateful helps. A lot. So for the rest of the time you don't spend on worrying, make the best of this confusing journey. You are not alone.
Not saying it's all bright, neat, and beautiful. It is rather a journey of stumbles and falls, of walking away knowing that it is necessary to save particles from the rest of you that was left apart the other day, and to be brave enough to open many unknown doors because, for all you know, it might be the one headed to your destination (or not).
Have I, found the right door remains an open question. I might have found a few doors, but it's not Doraemon's anywhere door no matter how much I secretly wish it to be. To even have a slight tip of what's behind requires a lot of uneasy feelings, doubt, shifting, and nothing final is guaranteed after that. At some days I feel like I don't want those particular doors I was fighting for anymore and I go on observing all the possibilities only to feel that I'm absolutely stuck, but I surprisingly make peace with it rather quickly (well on the good days, at least). The finding, I realise, is big part of the journey; there are many different kind of life stages that people are having right now, and looking at those constantly (because Instagram happens, of course) can be quite soul-threatening, especially for a born worrier like me. But again, we are at that age of self-discovery after all, and whilst it's true that what are we doing right now can determine how our future would be in the next 10-20-30 years, nothing is really final. No matter where you are in the stage of life, settle only for what makes you happy, always (and changing your mind midway, twice a week, once a month, once a while, all the time at what makes you happy is completely okay too!).
And yes all those are in my little twisted mind whilst taking that much of photos only to upload one with only the flowers on it in Instagram, but here is the real deal: you got me with a blue flower box in my hand, gracefully trying and failing to put a beautiful filter to make it look like Kinfolk magazine. We all been there, we all are; I'd be okay, and you'd be absolutely okay too.
x
Michelle
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