I'll start this reflection with something frank I really need to face: Being someone who puts a lot of effort hurts, because you constantly expect everyone to live up to a standard of your own, while most of the world won't.
It's not that they don't care--they do, but efforts are measurable, in physic lessons we got and forgot back in Junior High. It is force applied over a distance, measured by the rate as a function of time. OK, that's power and nowhere in the equation I found power = effort, but let's talk casually from this point.
Just because you are willing to gift every cookies you have to someone you care about, you can't expect the same someone to do the same thing. The short thinking would get us somewhere into the idea that your feelings are simply not mutual, but phew lately I found that kind of thought is very destructive. We, tend to fall for the worst idea and see the world in that muddy glasses filled with grubby things. We do love pitying ourselves a bit too much, don't we agree? When our expectation doesn't match the factual occurrence, we feel bad, and it gets worse because most of time you have to pretend that we are not disappointed. I have to get it clear, for all of us, that it is not that I have an expectation higher than mountain, it is that I would do exactly the same thing given the position. Why, won't you?
Here is the thing I have been injecting my mind of: People have their own effort meter. Maybe we are people with one that high, but people we love could have one that is not as high. It's not a matter of love, because some people would do their best again and again and it still is not enough for some other people. Do I sound needy? This paragraph sounds like one--needy, hard to please, all the worst adjectives, and I think I'm losing things to write to justify that. Is that all I am? Needy and hard to please?
Every once in awhile, I get disappointed still. Because though I completely mesmerize myself that it has nothing to do with their love, ignorance hurts. It makes me question my motive, and I feel twice as bad. Do I put a lot of efforts just so I can gain one in return? No, I believe I don't, but there I am expecting that everyone would do half the effort. Oh, the irony.
The thing about love is that it is a two-way kind of things. Maybe I am needy, but I would go through all the same thing twice as hard if that means to show how much someone means to me. I love making people I love feel special and appreciated, and somewhere along the way, that is how I want to be treated to.
x, Michelle
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