Sometimes I forget where did I come from, because life is easier when you forget. And I swear I want to be those kind of people who book a flight and never look back, always thinking about it, always dreaming about it. Exhilarated by the ideas, but never really on the agenda. For some people running away is not a luxury to choose, there are attachments, incapability, and fear. Of course you can always say we just don’t have enough guts to do so, and maybe it’s right. No, it’s right. We are the inbetweens, too broken to be a dreamer, because we know how unfair the world works, because the things we have pushed ourselves through. Too hurt to face the truth, holding up too many bruises to act like you have it all figured out. Like you are expected to be. Like how the world goes on days by days talking about the misfortunes to feel grateful about themselves.
When life kicks in, you’re honestly lost at where and what could possibly be the grand idea of living. How can you really survive the unfairness? Of course you can always choose to look at the brighter side, because somebody somewhere are living on the shorts. Here comes the whole collision, the suppressed feeling of guilt because you are not grateful enough. Yes some people in the war zone are watching their home and family torn apart, as the world gracefully notes time to time because we apparently are categorised as despicable human being to not acknowledge that. Almost like their life is a mere example of what you don’t wanna end up at, the worst ending of Bandersnatch scenario you’re choosing. Unless you actually do something about it, you are not a better human by talking about how unfortunate are some people at some other side of the world. On the same tone, you are always welcome to acknowledge how suck your life is without doing harms to those lives in Israel, Africa, Yugoslavia. Life is your nightmare flight without the seatbelt on, even if you survived the crash you are ended up broken.
We all have our own nightmare. It doesn’t equal one to another, as life is. Your nightmare might be some people lifelong dream, as your lifelong dream might be some people nightmare. Buying that new Honda might always been your goal, but it would be a hellish journey for those adapted to life of Benz. We are constantly aiming for a better life by comparing, to whether it’s acceptable don’t-envy-feel-grateful-society-standard Bill Gates or you-are-toxicating-yourself Instagram friend posting bunch of Business Class selfies. It’s never gonna be enough for you, and yes you can pretend that you are grateful enough at most time, but there is gonna be the low point when everything you do couldn’t seem to be good enough.
The truth is, you are always in the middle class of life. You will always find someone with better ones and worse ones than yours. Because no matter how good you are at something, there will always be that kid from China who can do it at the age of 5.
It hurts, knowing that you can’t act the same, be the same, and feel the same they do because you’re coming from another side of life. Because there are limitation of entry, one you can’t apply a visa to no matter how hard you try, how great the number and title you’re working on. It’s granted with birth, and called freedom to live your life.
The greatest plot twist there is.
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